This event forms part of the Young Alumni Professional Event series, that aims to support graduates navigate post-University life.
Difficult conversations — whether you’re telling a client the project is delayed, working with a difficult colleague, or not feeling valued — are an inevitable part of any job. An in-person panel discussion attempted to answer these questions, with alumni sharing their own stories and offering advice.
Meet the panel:
Panel Chair: Etta Parkes-Firth, Director of Student Employability, University of Birmingham
Grace Louisy (BA International Relations with Year Abroad, 2016) Head of Account Management, Headbox
Theo Rutherford (BEng Computer Systems Engineering, 2010) Team Lead, CCleaner Cloud
The evening kicked off with a networking game with guests asked to discuss their personal elephant moments. A few of the themes to emerge were:
- How to approach difficult characters and not letting it impact mental health and performance at work
- Applying for a new job – how you handle the interview process and communicate with the employer, and deal with the potential awkwardness if doesn’t work out
- Etiquette for work communication out of hours (e.g. receiving texts and emails in the evening or at weekends)
- How to handle colleagues with different working styles
- Approaching managers to discuss discrimination and covert microaggressions
- Asking for promotions and pay rises and discussions around pay disparity
In the main panel discussion, Grace shared how she waited a couple of weeks before telling her manager the difficulties she was having with them – she let the dust settle so it was a conversation not a confrontation. Eventually she prepared and carefully formulated what she wanted to say and made sure she had clear factual examples before having the conversation, which she knew would be challenging.
Tip: Sleep on it. If it’s still an issue the following day, book in a conversation with them. Consider what the difficult colleague/person that irritated you may have been going through too.
Theo explained how, early in his career, he didn’t always handle difficult people well, and recommends that you should not have difficult conversations in person while angry, nor send an email while angry: write the email, sleep on it, and review it the next day.
When you are looking to have a conversation about a pay rise, be honest about what you want from your role and be clear about expectations before approaching your manager. Explain what or where it is you want to be and what it is you are already doing.
Avoid having the conversation be around pay itself, but the work that deserves that pay and the value that you bring to the team. Drill down into what is important to your manager and their priorities. and what role or job title it is that you want. Without having that conversation, things may not change. It’s also worth noting that salary isn’t always the motivator; sometimes it might be the role or job title, etc.
Question: How do you go about taking a step back from something that may not be the right role for you? For example, taking on line management.
Response: Bring it back to the common goals of the business – “I am good at this, but line management isn’t what I am best at, and it is distracting me from doing my best work in other areas which help the business.” Be authentic, open and honest about what you want to do.
Grace expanded on her story of her own difficult conversation, with a further tip: in preparing for your conversation, consider what their objections may be and prepare what your response would be to those. Once Grace had her difficult conversation with her manager, it was a turning point and their relationship improved afterwards – he actually felt as much as an imposter as she did in front of senior stakeholders.
Question: Please give examples of when difficult conversations were held badly.
- Theo had to have a conversation with someone who was under-performing and not going to get a pay rise – they did not react very well to it, despite being aware of the need to improve their performance for months.
After the conversation, they continued to work together and the individual turned things around and became the highest performing person on the team. - Grace manages a large team. One person put a diary invite into her diary (without an agenda), and three of them all joined (despite not being on the calendar invite). She took the call at her desk in front of everyone, only to find three people in her team telling her what they were annoyed about, which totally blindsided her.
It was a confrontation rather than a conversation and she was not able to resolve their issues on the spot; she was also not in an appropriate setting as she didn’t know the agenda of the meeting.
Question: Some companies expect you to move up through the ranks. What do you do if you don’t want to be promoted, but also don’t want to be downgraded?
Answer: Flip it around and consider what would happen if you are promoted and made a manager and you shouldn’t be. Tell your manager what you actually want and that you are comfortable where you are. Consider your own mental health and position; you can always consider moving to a different organisation if you are not comfortable where you are. Can you speak to someone else other than your manager who may be more impartial?
Question: What is your thought on quiet-quitting – if you’ve had multiple challenging conversations but not getting anywhere?
Answer: Understand who your stakeholders are and who makes the decision. Even if you dislike your role but work hard, then do continue doing that and maintain that integrity to the role. But always considering other options if you want to – it’s your career after all! You don’t have a loyalty to a company, you add value to a company. Also remember that if that role isn’t right for you, then you aren’t the best person for that role for the company either.
Question: How do you deal with micro-aggressions and discrimination in the workplace? What if your colleagues see EDI policies as just ticking a box? How to deal with old-fashioned mindsets?
Answer: Find an ally in the business: someone in HR or another female or ethnic minority leader. Set up an EDI committee (it may be there is a lack of education in the organisation) to increase awareness.
One takeaway from each speaker:
Grace: always have empathy with the person to whom you are speaking. Approach it with kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Theo: If you are in a more junior role, don’t feel that you have to accept the situation as it is. Work out what you want, come prepared and have that conversation. It isn’t going to be a one-off chat – keep an open dialogue going.